I have been reading letters and it's a funny sensation to read about your life from a different place in it.

I hope your New Year has been full and light. Here's to living well, to being fine and genuine, to living in hope. Welcome 2012.

Dancing Toward Bethlehem

If there is only enough time in the final
minutes of the twentieth century for one last dance
I would like to be dancing it slowly with you,
say, in the ballroom of a seaside hotel,
my palm would press into the small of your back
as the past hundred years collapsed into a pile
of mirrors or buttons or frivolous shoes
just as the floor of the nineteenth century gave way
and disappeared in a cloud of brick dust
there will be no time to order another drink
or worry about what was ever said,
not with the orchestra sliding into the sea
and all our attention devoted to humming
whatever it was they were playing.

Billy Collins

"Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having, she’d have waited for you?’ No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody."

F. Scott Fitzgerald

We've been visiting different religious centers for our Urban Religious Movements class and we're facing the reality that we, as Christians, hold more in common with many other religions then we think. And that not all the theology and methodology is crazy.

So we're asking hard questions about what that means for us, and where that leaves us.

And i don't have better answers to those questions than anyone else, but i do know that when were in the Hindu temple and one of the teachers dropped the name "Jesus" my heart leapt within me. Honestly, it took me by surprise. I was overtaken with the mention of my love.

My spirit recognizes the one that made it joyfully and calls back. So i don't know what conclusions we will come to, but i will claim this as my home and my reality.

I am in Love, and out of it I will not go. - C. S. Lewis

May i blush every time His name is spoken, may it remind me whom i love and to whom i belong.

Such Singing in the Wild Branches

It was spring
and finally I heard him
among the first leaves -
then I saw him clutching the limb in an island of shade
with his red-brown feathers
all trim and neat for the new year.
First, I stood still and thought of nothing.
Then I began to listen.
Then I was filled with gladness -
and that’s when it happened, when I seemed to float,
to be, myself, a wing or a tree -
and I began to understand
what the bird was saying, and the sands in the glass
stopped
for a pure white moment
while gravity sprinkled upward like rain, rising,
and in fact
it became difficult to tell just what it was that was singing -
it was the thrush for sure, but it seemed not a single thrush, but himself, and all his brothers,
and also the trees around them,
as well as the gliding, long-tailed clouds
in the perfectly blue sky - all, all of them were singing.
And, of course, yes, so it seemed,
so was I.
Such soft and solemn and perfect music doesn’t last for more than a few moments.
It’s one of those magical places wise people
like to talk about.
One of the things they say about it, that is true, is that, once you’ve been there,
you’re there forever.
Listen, everyone has a chance.
Is it spring, is it morning? Are there trees near you,
and does your own soul need comforting?
Quick, then - open the door and fly on your heavy feet; the song
may already be drifting away.

-Mary Oliver

Occupy Wall St.

The mainstream media is refusing to cover it so if you haven't heard yet, there is a massive protest going on across the US. It's called Occupy Wall Street and is a movement toward a lot of things, but everyone is united under the understanding that 99% of this country are being screwed by the 1% that holds the power and resources. This has come at an interesting time for me because I have been learning for the past four weeks how broken our country is and how our systems perpetuate inequality and generally do the opposite of what they were created to do.
The healthcare system has become so convoluted and exorbitantly expensive that it is no longer providing heath care for normal people. The criminal justice system (we sat in on a murder trial this morning) favors the rich and removes the poor from society by incarcerating them in a prison system that acts as a holding tank for violence instead of as an institution of reformation. Our politicians are being paid by corporations who are passing laws that favor them instead of the people that elected them into office.

And I don't know how effective this protest will be, but I know that things are broken and I want to get behind a movement that recognizes these problems and demands change. I don't want to be part of a generation marked by silence. I want something better than what we've been given. I want change.

Bailey/I Know You Know
Punch Brothers

&

Justin Vernon.

gender roles & learning how to punch

This week in addition to class and internship interviews the women in our cohort were also required to attend RAD (rape and aggression defense) Training. It was 12 hours of statistics and tactical maneuvers so we can be ready to defend ourselves if we need to. The class ends with a simulation where we actually individually beat up a couple of grown men that were acting as aggressors. And as fun as it was to kick a couple of guys’ asses, the fact remains that we women were pushed up against a disappointing reality. The statsitical likelihood of being raped in the US if you are a woman is high- 1 in 6, to be exact.

And even after just a few weeks in LA we all had come to understand that statistic a little better. I have been yelled at walking down the street more times that I care to remember since the semester started and while usually I don’t hear them or notice the comments, when I do it can be upsetting. Not only because the comments are rude or unwanted, but also because they are so flippant. Because it’s not even a big deal, because I am a woman. The comments that have really made me genuinely angry have been made by the men that have said something and then expected a response, as though I were supposed to thank them for their obscene comment and their unwanted attention. And I understand that the men that say these things have never been yelled at from a passing car and don’t understand what it feels like to be looked at as a thing that can be whistled at or mocked, but there is something clearly wrong here. There is a prevailing attitude that is so grossly unjust toward women, their safety, and their worth that it makes disgusting words and sexual violence the norm, and can prevent women from leaving their very houses, much less from assuming and exercising their power, strength, and wisdom in the public forum.

I am glad I took the course and that I know how to defend myself but I am disappointed that this was a lesson that I didn’t learn until now. This is something I should have learned in high school, or even earlier, and a basic understanding of gender roles and oppression should have been taught as well. We need to become a culture that teaches our men not to rape, instead of a culture that teaches our women not to get raped if we want to see the violence stop.

Shalom is not only peace, it’s a wholeness. A wellness. A working together of all good things. We as the church move out into the world, into hate, into greed, into fallenness.

And we whisper “Shalom.” May the peace of the Living God be with you.

Let this be reflected in our words, our actions, and our time. May our spirits be peaceful. May we live in, and bring Shalom.

salt

I have the opportunity to be part of the planning team for the liturgical service on campus this year which has been such a blessing. I have been blessed by the prayer, the singing, the diving into the living breathing word of God, and the people that surrounded me last week. We held hands and they asked the Lord to go before me during my time in LA and I remembered that the church is a beautiful thing. She is a dancing, laughing, shimmering thing that loves fiercely, and calls to the downtrodden and the left behind, and those just trying to get it right.

"Be energetic in your life of salvation, reverent and sensitive before God. That energy is God's energy, an energy deep within you, God himself willing and working at what will give him the most pleasure. Do everything readily and cheerfully- no bickering, no second-guessing allowed! Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God."

Philippians 2:13-15

Listen to this.

the first question and answer in the Westminster Catechism are:

What is the chief end of man?

Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy Him forever.

stunningly simple. but truth at its essence usually is.

this is not complicated, this is love. love, love, and only love. may we have the wisdom to recognize it and the grace to cling to it.

"The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you."

David Foster Wallace

Listen here.

i've been off the grid for a little while.

camp can be all consuming. this is the first week i've had a little bit of time off because i didn't have campers. they've hired too many counselors so a few weeks during the summer i'll have to gap, but one of them is out of the way and i was glad for the break. it's been exhausting, but i've had some great campers.

children are a blessing unparalleled by cell phones and cars and vacations. the hardest part of this job is watching the parents drop them off and pick them up and know that some of them will go back to homes where they are not treasured and held as precious.

my patience has been tried and i have been sick of talking about who likes who and answering a billion questions, but the more i work with children the more i learn how much they want to be loved and how much we can easily give them.

i've been home for a few days now and friday i leave for camp.

it's been really good seeing people. seeing how people have changed and grown up is one of my favorite parts of coming back i think. i love my friends from home, but there's something great about seeing the transformation and loving the person someone is becoming.

i'm not sure how ready i am for camp. i'm not really even sure what to prepare myself for. it feels a little like the first day of school.

http://www.mediafire.com/?to6c7t68ryzzd6z

Seattle, you have been good to me.

It's been a great week here visiting Berit. Her family has been so welcoming and entertaining and we've been on some great adventures.

and WILLIAM FITZSIMMONS! i still can't get over how much i enjoyed that concert. Slow Runner opened up and put on a great show and then accompanied William during his set which was fun. listening to william fitzsimmon's recordings is wonderful enough, but seeing him live was like a giant, wonderful, musical hug.

and tomorrow i'll be home! i'll only be in town for a few days before i have to leave for camp, but i'm so looking forward to spending some time with my family and celebrating birthdays and seeing the people i love.

as for me, i will preach love.
not easy love- love that loves those that are kind, that smile, and that smell nice.
love that loves those that are crying, that have abortions, that hurt others, and that steal from the innocent.
i will not get this right every time, or even at all.
in truth, i will fuck this up (i use that word not to shock or offend, but because it is the only word that seems strong enough to express how badly i will do this sometimes).
but this is God, this is the gospel, and this is our call.


""Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that.

I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind."

Luke 6:31-36

this is dead week and next week is finals and the semester is over. i'm getting ready to come home. i've missed the south, and i've missed my family.

"Southern is an early spring morning shrouded in a thick mist. The warmth of a bright sunrise reveals shimmering jewellike dewdrops upon thicket and fence. A large spiderweb glistens, a spider trying desperately to wind its prey into the web. My father set out to prepare for planting corn. The first day, I walked behind him while he was plowing and singing one of his favorite hymns. For me, it was a great moment. Walking along, pressing my bare feet against the warm plowed earth. All of the chickens were behind me, picking up the earthworms and bugs. He turned up roots of sassafras bushes, which we took to the house for the next morning. "

I had the great privilege of seeing the band Fun. perform tonight and it was fabulous. Everyone sang every single word and the band did such a great job. They put on a fantastic live show.
There's nothing like music to rally people, and knit them together.

i had coffee today with a girl from the ministry and service office on campus and we ended up talking about intentional community because it's something we both have a passion for. they tried to establish an intentional community in the dorms for this next year but it didn't take off which was really disappointing for me as an applicant and for the girl i was talking to as the coordinator. anyway, she told me that they are looking for more student input for next year as they try to make it happen again and she asked me if i'd like to partner with the office in making it happen. i don't really know exactly what my role would be yet cause it's not an official position, but i'd be working with them to plan what the community does (it's a social justice community so we would be doing service projects in the community) and how it works and helping to get people interested and signed up. i don't really know what i want to do after college, but i do know that i have a real passion for community and have always thought of community development as an option after school and this is an opportunity to do that and figure out what community development really looks like!
the plans of God always take me by surprise- and i may not end up doing this, or loving community development, but i know that God orchestrated this and that He is going before me planning my way. we are in good hands.

all i want to do is cover you like a blanket
pour my heart for you and be sure that you drink it.

Monday

The birds are in their trees,
the toast is in the toaster,
and the poets are at their windows.
They are at their windows
in every section of the tangerine of earth-
the Chinese poets looking up at the moon,
the American poets gazing out
at the pink and blue ribbons of sunrise.
The clerks are at their desks,
the miners are down in their mines,
and the poets are looking out their windows
maybe with a cigarette, a cup of tea,
and maybe a flannel shirt or bathrobe is involved.
The proofreaders are playing the ping-pong
game of proofreading,
glancing back and forth from page to page,
the chefs are dicing celery and potatoes,
and the poets are at their windows
because it is their job for which
they are paid nothing every Friday afternoon.
Which window it hardly seems to matter
though many have a favorite,
for there is always something to see-
a bird grasping a thin branch,
the headlights of a taxi rounding a corner,
those two boys in wool caps angling across the street.
The fishermen bob in their boats,
the linemen climb their round poles,
the barbers wait by their mirrors and chairs,
and the poets continue to stare
at the cracked birdbath or a limb knocked down by the wind.
By now, it should go without saying
that what the oven is to the baker
and the berry-stained blouse to the dry cleaner,
so the window is to the poet.
Just think-
before the invention of the window,
the poets would have had to put on a jacket
and a winter hat to go outside
or remain indoors with only a wall to stare at.
And when I say a wall,
I do not mean a wall with striped wallpaper
and a sketch of a cow in a frame.
I mean a cold wall of fieldstones,
the wall of the medieval sonnet,
the original woman's heart of stone,
the stone caught in the throat of her poet-lover.


-Billy Collins

the grass smells like summer and i am hopeful.

i am ringing you out

http://www.mediafire.com/?z59e818ee0cpadi

Silence is praise to you, Zion-dwelling God,
And also obedience.
You hear the prayer in it all.

We all arrive at your doorstep sooner
or later, loaded with guilt,
Our sins too much for us—
but you get rid of them once and for all.
Blessed are the chosen! Blessed the guest
at home in your place!
We expect our fill of good things
in your house, your heavenly manse.
All your salvation wonders
are on display in your trophy room.
Earth-Tamer, Ocean-Pourer,
Mountain-Maker, Hill-Dresser,
Muzzler of sea storm and wave crash,
of mobs in noisy riot—
Far and wide they'll come to a stop,
they'll stare in awe, in wonder.
Dawn and dusk take turns
calling, "Come and worship."

Oh, visit the earth,
ask her to join the dance!
Deck her out in spring showers,
fill the God-River with living water.
Paint the wheat fields golden.
Creation was made for this!
Drench the plowed fields,
soak the dirt clods
With rainfall as harrow and rake
bring her to blossom and fruit.
Snow-crown the peaks with splendor,
scatter rose petals down your paths,
All through the wild meadows, rose petals.
Set the hills to dancing,
Dress the canyon walls with live sheep,
a drape of flax across the valleys.
Let them shout, and shout, and shout!
Oh, oh, let them sing!

Psalm 65

LA term preview day

we went downtown today to preview what we're doing next semester.
they showed us our classrooms in a huge slick office building.
we walked around and talked with people that are currently in the program.
and as i was sitting in a back alley coffee shop i realized that this is my life now. that the bubble is gone.
that next semester they are turning us loose in LA. we are going to take the subway by ourselves, and work jobs with real bosses and go to class and go to lunch and go home.
we will not belong to APU, we will not belong to our parents, we will belong to ourselves.
it's daunting and a little strange, but i am not worried about its coming.
this is how it works-
we move away, we learn about the world, we grow up.
it's disquieting and a little melancholy but it's rising like the sun on the edge of my horizon.

summer has returned to southern california.

LA Term friends

are peaches.
we met for the first time last night at our intro meeting and i am quite excited.
everyone was a little awkward, but in a great way that i think is super funny and Frank made us play this get-to-know-you game where we had to stand in triangles.
yeah, it was weird.
but the collective feel of the group was super light and self-aware.
i am so excited for where our sarcasm and crazy times exploring LA will take us.

the Punch Brothers have recently taken over my music. all of it.
at least that's what it feels like.
i got a few of their albums a few weeks ago and it's pretty much all i've listened to.
i love the virtuosity of it, the intentionality of every note and every phrase Chris spits at the microphone.
and the layers and layers and layers.

here's a sample:
http://www.mediafire.com/?2yiwfkewe46jujs
it's not everyone's cup of tea, but give it a try.

my life has been long recently.
a lot of reading. a lot of staying up unnecessarily late.
this past week of school felt like forever. not for any particular reason, just cause it felt like dragging out till next november.
i found out that i have been accepted for LA Term next fall which means that i'll be attending school downtown and living in a home stay and taking the subway to class. in my brain i keep picturing an extended version of the exploring we did in the cities of Europe which is enormously romanticized, but there is something exciting and adventuresome about having a new city to learn and make your own.

“After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.”

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

there is a peace and an unparalleled rest in the love of God because it is enough. And because it is enough, we are enough, and there is no more searching. there is no more striving. we are more than worthy. worthy of love, worthy of beauty, worthy of life. because we are His.

take this to heart, beloved. you have enough. you are enough.
rest in the peace of this promise.

dear midterms,
go away. we are not friends.

do not fear

The most often repeated commandment in the bible is “do not fear.”
God knew there would be a lot to be afraid of.
It is so easy for me to carry around worries and fears and make plans to try to find comfort and security instead of turning to the very foundation of the universe to find something to set my burdens on.
I forget that the very things I’m looking for all come from one source, and that to put my hope in Him is not a gamble. Not at all.
It is to be sure of my joy, my prosperity, and my provision.


You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
harm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

Pslam 91:1-16

http://www.mediafire.com/?b21z2dslbtactla

stories

I just reread A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller again and he talks a lot about living a good story in it. He sees life as a giant movie that we are all thrust into, to weave a beautiful story, or to write something that no one cares to see on DVD.
And I think that a lot of this is true- that we have a choice to write a great story, or to write a story about getting a good job and buying a volvo. And there's nothing wrong with volvos, but it's settling for a small story instead of reaching for something big, for an epic.
I realized about a week ago that my story so far this semester has not been as good as it could be. So I've been taking small steps, saying yes to a few more things, spending more time with people, reading more books, and doing more yoga. These aren't my big story, they're just small steps on the way to something greater.
I want to write a great story with my life. A story about building things that last, a story about loving people, and a story that ultimately points to the writer of all stories, the author of time.

“Nearly every day in the summer, I take my dog to Westmoreland Park, where she plays in the creek. She runs up and down through the creek bed, diving headlong into the water, chasing ducks. Sometimes when I watch her I think about how good life can be, if we only lose ourselves in our stories. Lucy doesn’t read self-help books about how to be a dog; she just is a dog. All she wants to do is chase ducks and sticks and do other things that make both her and me happy. It makes me wonder if that was the intention for man, to chase sticks and ducks, to name animals, to create families, and to keep looking back at God to feed off his pleasure at our pleasure.

It’s interesting that in the Bible, in the book of Ecclesiastes, the only practical advice given about living a meaningful life is to find a job you like, enjoy your marriage, and obey God. It’s as though God is saying, Write a good story, take somebody with you, and let me help.

Sometimes, when I’m writing stories, it feels this way. I mean, when I’m sitting at the computer like I am now, I lose track of time and feel as though I’m jumping through the water in the creek, while God is sitting on the shore, pleased at my pleasure.”

Donald Miller

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

fullness

God's been whispering the word "fullness" into my life these past couple of days and He has been showing me what it means.
for me it's been about letting go of things i've been carrying around. things from Africa, things from relationships, things from my past and future.
and He's pouring Himself and His light into the places that have opened up in my soul and showing me what happens when things are left up to Him. my life has not magically become perfect, and my questions are still unanswered, but they're not my burden anymore, He has lifted them.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
Matthew 11:28-30

His promises are true. Rest in them.

Covenant Renewal Prayer for 2011

Let me be your servant, under your command.

I will no longer be my own.

I will give up myself to your will in all things.

Lord, make me what you will.

I put myself fully into your hands: put me to doing, put me to suffering,

let me be employed by you, or laid aside for you,

let me be full, let me be empty,

let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and with a willing heart give it all to your pleasure and disposal.

- John Wesley

http://www.mediafire.com/?10qg4mux2honhgj

at night when my roommates are asleep i can hear trucks rumble by and downshift on the highway.

this semester is different.

it is about quiet, conversations, and figuring things out.

this year

there's a lot to talk about.
2010 was long- there was a lot of living squeezed into 12 short months.
spring semester barely even makes sense when i think about it, it feels like so long ago, but i know that it was about learning, about affirming, and about widening my soul. i moved into spaces that were wider and greener in relationships and in my spirit then i'd ever dreamed could exist.
we drove up the coast to san francisco and i prayed with a soul blown open with the glory of God and the majesty of His creation.
summer ate away at me. it was long and laborious. it was about building and tearing down ideas and conceptions.
and then africa. i don't know if i'll ever understand the extent of how my time in africa affected me, i just know that in my mind the condition of my heart will be gauged in two time spans- before and after africa.
africa deepened everything. everything that had been small, that had scratched the surface before i left was pulled away in the rushing undertow. and some of that was good, or at least, was recognizably good and obviously positive. and some of it ripped me up. africa tore away at my comfort box. there were times of incredible peace, but the scariest moments of my life were in africa and were facing things that were so much bigger then i'd imagined. but i was not crushed, i was not left there alone. i was pulled along by the grace of God. and it was harder then i'd dreamed, but i will understand the preciousness of it and i praise God for what He did and who He is.
and now i'm here. the new year has started and i'm looking toward starting another semester of school in LA. another 5 months of figuring out how to do this better.
here's to learning, loving, and getting older.
welcome 2011.